by Chelle B.
I chose to focus on Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) during the first month of 3 Hot girls Healing because it is a topic not only personal to me, but also an important reminder for anyone reading that your past does not define your future. You are what you consume, whether it be fast food or high cuisine.
If you grew up in a fast-food environment, meaning the people around you were constantly trash-talkers, that “normal” becomes a lifestyle. I’ve met some very wealthy people who live a fast-food life, because high cuisine involves using manners and treating the wait staff with the same respect you treat the CEO. And unfortunately, there is no monetary value for being kind.
Post-Traumatic growth refers to what you learn and how you grow after difficult life circumstances. This is different for everyone, and I specifically changed the word trauma to difficult life circumstances for the purpose of this article. Words like trauma and abuse can feel overwhelming and defeatist, where difficult life circumstances feels more relatable and empowering to everyone.
Some difficult life experiences I continue to overcome and hope to help other people of similar circumstances avoid include; emotional abuse, covert narcissistic abuse, family and personal addiction to substances, various mental health disorders, divorce, being a single mother in life and my career, and moving across the country with no support to start a new life free from the psychological abuse I was consumed with in Minnesota.
I plan to provide personal insight into each topic covered, and certain weeks will have interviews and information from my professional friends and colleagues on their topic of expertise. I have learned so much by observing my co-workers in action. The way I teach and counsel takes the favorite parts of all my mentors and has combined them into something very powerful. Me. I know this now because of them. Who you surround yourself with matters more than where you surround yourself at.
I used to pride myself on my resilience in life until I learned about PTG and realized that in order to grow I needed to not only bounce back, but to start bouncing forward. Bouncing forward involves picking up the pieces of a broken life and putting those pieces back together to create a more beautiful and powerful version of yourself. It’s about learning from past mistakes and doing things differently the next time. It’s about realizing that life is not always fair and things don’t always make sense. Most importantly, it’s about empowering yourself and others to rise above difficult life experiences together and finding your people by sharing your journey.
Researchers identified the five main ways people tend to grow after trauma; personal strength, deeper relationships, new perspectives, spiritual growth, and purpose & possibility. Each of those items has significant meaning in bouncing forward. Starting with personal strength, which is developing a strong sense of autonomy and living an authentic life based on your own personal morals and values.
Morals and values differ from person to person, depending on how and where you grew up and who you grew up to be. Besides some obvious “wrongs” like cannibalism and human trafficking, it’s hard to judge someone else’s moral compass if you never walked a mile in their shoes. Life experiences shape how we think, and people in our lives influence how we walk through life. Choose your shoes very carefully because it’s hopefully a long walk to the finish line of life, make it more comfortable for yourself and stop wearing shoes that leave blisters.
By gaining personal strength, you can form deeper relationships with the right people while gaining new perspectives on spirituality and finding your purpose in life. The right people won’t make you feel wrong. Period. The right people will make you feel supported and uplifted and inspired and seen. The question should not be “what happened to you?” but instead “who happened to you?” because the answer is different for everyone.
My whole life in Minnesota I was told by most people that I was “too much” and needed to stay isolated to keep the peace. Later to find out the only reason I started drama with those individuals was because I told the true side of a story I was lied about in. I lived in a gaslit world feeling crazy and defected, and the only way I could break free was to leave them all behind. Because I’m not too much for the people in my life now. I’m the perfect Goldilocks fit with my amazing friends I now consider family and have found peace within myself I never thought possible.
To use PTG in recovery, it starts with acknowledging your pain instead of stuffing it deep inside where it will boil over at the most inopportune time. Because all those stuffed emotions build up as cortisol (the stress hormone) in your system and continue growing until eventually they find a release. If you learn how to release that cortisol in a healthy way, like going on a relaxing vacation away from your busy life, you can reset your system without the road rage or cursing out your boss.
Reframing the narrative from the negative one you were listening to from people who didn’t have your best intentions in mind, to a positive one filled with motivation and connection, takes time and practice. If you were like me and had your name “verbed” in your family; aka “Michelle’d something up” instead of “fucked something up,” you can relate to my story. Hearing that repeated every time someone made a mistake made me feel like a mistake, and that carried with me for years. Listen to your own voice telling you when things are mean, judgmental, or inaccurate, because you will probably be right. Don’t let other people dictate how you think of yourself like I did. Be better than me and quicker than me in detecting the abuse happening right under your nose.
Practicing self-compassion involves loving and accepting yourself as imperfectly perfect. Owning the good with the bad because it’s all part of you and realizing that nobody is good at everything and everyone has their own set of strengths and challenges. If there are things you don’t like about yourself, you are the only one that can change that. Be your biggest cheerleader and don’t stay stuck somewhere you aren’t appreciated for the gifts you have to give.
I am deciding to turn my Post-Traumatic Growth into a year-long project using 3 Hot girls Healing as my platform to provide accurate information about controversial topics in the mental and physical health fields, with the vision of making the world a kinder place using my Healing through Helping campaign. If my story and journey can help even one person re-gain their strength and find hope after difficult life circumstances, I will feel successful and proud.
Do what you love and leave the rest. Your life is worth it!
Chelle B; LADC and founder of 3hotgirlshealing.com