Boundaries – Testimony Tuesday
I wanted to discuss boundaries during the first month of 3 Hot girls Healing when the theme is Post-Traumatic Growth, because without boundaries you cannot grow. Boundaries are imperative for self-esteem, and healthy relationships look different for everyone. Boundaries are about how you feel and how other people make you feel. Boundaries are more than saying no to unwanted sexual advances or being offered drugs at a party. Boundaries are saying yes to your imperfectly perfect self and doing what it takes to protect your peace. I taught boundaries long before I understood them myself, because my “normal” family didn’t teach me healthy boundaries. I was taught how to lie and manipulate and take whatever you want when you want despite the consequences of others. I learned to set boundaries with my family, which mostly meant cutting off anyone who was trash-talking me behind my back to gain control of my children and/or my life. I didn’t realize this was happening for years, and my hope is to help as many people as I can recognize healthy and unhealthy boundaries before too much time has slipped away. Because time is the one thing in life we can’t get back, and how you spend your time influences the quality of life you have. There are different types of boundaries I will be writing about, including friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, and professional relationships. Each type of relationship lists different examples of healthy and unhealthy boundaries to help educate those who might be questioning their own sanity when surrounded by sick people. Personally, I have struggled with boundaries most of my life in my pursuit of happiness and acceptance. I will briefly describe how I was affected in each of the areas listed above, and what I have done to protect myself now and in the future. The first type of relationship I will discuss is family relationships, because it was ultimately family relationships that shaped who I became as an adult. I always felt a little different because my home life always felt a little different, without understanding what it was that made it quite so different in the first place. I thought I felt different because my parents were divorced and my father and stepfather were alcoholics but had no idea who was behind those feelings instead of the circumstances surrounding those feelings. Appropriate boundaries to set for families include respecting adult independence; expressing love and concern without judgment; listening to empathy; choosing what topics are off-limits; and setting time limits during visits if needed. Inappropriate boundaries for families include trying to control adult children or family choices; using guilt or shame to influence behavior; interrupting, criticizing, or invalidating feelings; forcing conversations or ignoring “no;” and expecting constant availability or emotional caretaking. My mother always expected her children to put her first and wanted us to feel bad for not appreciating her sacrifices enough or putting our own welfare first, while invalidating our need for autonomy and growth. This affected me more than I realized as an adult. I was taught that loving someone meant sacrificing your own needs, and that love was transactional and not unconditional. In my mind, the only way I could receive love was if I gave more than I got in return. A cognitive distortion (wrong thought) that carried into my friendships, romantic relationships, and eventually professional relationships as well. In college, I was the friend who couldn’t say no if someone needed my help with anything, whether or not I had the time and/or energy to help that friend in the first place. I thought I needed to be available for everyone, often ignoring sleep or schoolwork or my mental health to be a helpful friend to people who didn’t necessarily deserve it. I didn’t have the healthy friendship boundaries I do now to help me discern between real and using friendships because I was taught that love involved sacrifice. My best friend to this day, Rachel, helped me overcome this by loving and accepting me throughout the years, despite whatever mistakes I made along the way. The unconditional love I had been longing for during childhood. Healthy friendship boundaries include respecting each other’s time and space; being supportive without trying to “fix” your friend; being honest when something feels uncomfortable; maintaining privacy and confidentiality; and encouraging personal growth and independence. Unhealthy friendship boundaries include expecting constant availability; taking responsibility for their emotions or choices; avoiding communication to keep the peace; sharing private information or gossiping; and becoming overly dependent or controlling. My friendships now are reciprocal, encouraging, and balanced. If someone makes me feel bad about myself or gossips behind my back to create drama, I have no problem walking away and not looking back. The friends I surround myself with now think I’m pretty great without over-giving, and seem to enjoy my company without thinking I’m “too much” for them. Which is really someone telling you they aren’t enough for you. It took a lot of therapy and courage to be able to feel good about myself within my friendships and say no when I need to. What a gift of time and sanity for myself! Most of my romantic relationships as an adult were emotionally and physically abusive behind closed doors, and seemingly perfect in front of an audience. If anyone can relate to that, it’s often narcissism and more dangerous than people realize. Adult relationships often mimic childhood patterns and go unnoticed because the person in the middle of the narrative has no idea of the web of lies and character assassination that is going on behind their back until it is too late. They become the “liar” for telling the truth, and gaslit into thinking they are the cause of the drama in the first place. This was exactly what happened to me in my family and romantic relationships and ultimately ruined the relationship I was trying to have with my young children as a divorced single mother.